Remember When It Rained
by Alanna22039
Summary: Jonathan dies, and Alanna must cope. Songfic based off of the Josh Groban song of same title. AJ. Alanna slightly OOC. Rated T for character death and later chapters. Chapter 5 added.
1. Chapter 1

**I would like to thank my wonderful beta C.McPherson for everything she's done so far!!! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own either the Tamora Pierce characters or Josh Groban's songs. I just enjoy playing with them.**

* * *

Prologue

"Alanna, you have to let me go. It's my time, sweetheart." Alanna was sitting beside her husband's bedside, her eyes sparkled with tears. Jonathan was still as handsome at sixty-four as he had been as a young man, though his hair was now white, and his face lined.

"But what about the children?" Jonathan chuckled, but his laughter dissipated into a coughing fit. Alanna reached out quickly, a glass of water held in her withered hand. She helped her aged husband to sit up and take a drink.

"You're still the healer you were when you were eleven," the King said softly, as he settled back against the fluffy, white, goose-down pillows. He caressed his wife's lined face gently. "The children are hardly children anymore, love. They have their own children to worry about. They will be fine. Roald is more than ready to take over as monarch in my stead. There's nothing to worry about." His voice faded as he reached the end of his speech. He closed his eyes tiredly.

"Should I leave you to rest, my love?" She stood, preparing to go, should her husband wish her to. He clutched weakly at her wrist, and she leaned down to kiss his forehead.

"Stay. Stay with me, please. I will rest better with you here, darling."

"I'll stay." Alanna promised

Minutes passed, and lengthened into hours as the elderly King rested. It was clear to Alanna that Jonathan was on the verge of death, and it was also clear that he would not fight the Black God's arrival. His breathing became labored as his heart slowed. Alanna stretched her hand and magic out to bolster the old man's heart, but Jonathan pushed her hand away, opening his brilliantly blue eyes to look at her one last time.

"No, dear heart. It is time. I love you, Alanna, always." Alanna leaned down to kiss him one last time as his breath faded into nothing.

His last words rang in her ears as she smoothed his blankets tenderly before running out into the storm-tossed Rose Garden, tears streaming freely down her face.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this. I'm sorry that this chapter is so short, next one will be longer, I promise. Yes, I realize that this chapter has no lyrics or anything, but they will come in later. Tell me what you thought in a reveiw!!! Thanks so much for reading my humble work.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, everyone...I know it feels like it's been forever since I've posted -- my deepest apologies to you all, but I hope the chapter will be better for it... This is the first real chapter of the story, but I skipped to chapter two so all the numbering stays the same. The bolded italics at the beginning of the chapter are the lyrics, and the regular italics are what is really happening to the elderly Alanna...The rest is her memory. Thanks as always to my beta C. McPherson, awesome beta that she is!!! **

**Disclaimer: See Prologue**

* * *

Chapter 2

_**Wash away the thoughts inside**_

_**That keep my mind away from you…

* * *

**_

_The sky was an eerie, depressing purple-black. The clouds tore apart like the coarse wool of a sheep-skin blanket, and the rain pounded on the Earth. The thunder rumbled majestically, as the wind howled its agony and fury. A small figure threw herself into the glorious tumult, not willing to let go of her misery…and a memory came to her…

* * *

_

Alanna lay on her blanket, listening to the winter rains and thinking about the past week, remembering every detail of her argument with Jonathan with astonishing clarity. The young knight kept remembering her former lover's expression during the fight – he looked so lost and confused, torn between his anger and his love…

And immediately, her thoughts spiraled into a reflection of her own actions and words. She had spared no mercy with her comments, intending to wound him as much as (if not more than) he had wounded her by "not waiting for her answer." And looking back, he was right, she may not have told him that she wanted to marry him verbally, but all her actions had said it for her. She grimaced, remembering how completely she had torn him down, to the point where he had to retaliate or sacrifice his pride and dignity...

Lightning lit the tent all of a sudden, throwing the scene into high relief. Alanna noticed that even Faithful had chosen to sleep somewhere else – she had outcast everyone with her harsh words. Tears of misery and loneliness tracked their way down her face, silently belying the turmoil in her mind. She turned and buried her face in her pillow, sobbing herself into an uneasy sleep….

She was back in her old rooms at the Palace… No, she was dreaming that she was in her old rooms. Jonathan sat on the floor, arms resting on his knees, his back against the frame of the door connecting his room to hers. A rose – the deep blood red of Alanna's favorite variety – hung limply from his fingers. He was gazing out her window, as if lost in some distant memory…She watched a tear slide glittering like a diamond from his eyes. It fell slowly – time stretched out – and shattered on the flagged stone like glass. He whispered to her, almost so quiet she couldn't hear it, "I'm so sorry, my darling. I'll always love you, Alanna. I only wish I could hold you and take back everything I said….Goddess, Alanna, I'm so sorry. I love you so much….Good night, my darling…"

He stood up, and laid the rose on her bed, before leaving her room and shutting the door.

Two hundred miles away, Alanna woke up, still crying. "Goddess, what have I done? What have I done?"

* * *

**A/N: I hope you liked it. Review? It'll make me happy!!! (And I'll give you lot electronic brownies with the next chapter...)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everybody! I'm back, with another sad chapter (despite popular belief, there WILL be happy chatpers in this, I promise). Anyway, this was written after my lovebirdie died, and I was kind of feeling down. Here goes:**

**Disclaimer: see prologue.**

* * *

…_No more love and no more pride_

_These thoughts are all I have to do…

* * *

_

Chapter 3 

_The storm continued to rage outside the Palace, as if proclaiming Alanna's inner turmoil. The old queen herself lay in bed with pneumonia, not fighting to get out and do something, just fighting not to remember. But with nothing to keep her mind occupied, Alanna began to fall asleep…and she dreamed a memory…

* * *

_

She was down in the catacombs again, arms holding her knees to her chest, staring at Lightning's soot-streaked blade. Even now, six months after the coronation, she felt that she could have done something, _should_ have done something to save Thom. She had failed to save her younger brother, failed in her last command her mother gave her when she was little: _"Protect your younger brother, especially from himself."_

Guilt swamped Alanna, like snakes writhing in her stomach. She had failed. No tears fell down her face; she showed nothing other than calm self-control. Not that anyone would have seen – there was just Alanna and her guilt in the room, and that guilt would never go away, no matter how hard she tried to move past it.

There was a movement in the shadows behind Alanna, but she didn't notice, didn't her the footfalls behind her, oblivious to the presence of another living being in the same space with her. A body sat itself beside her, and an arm wrapped around her shoulders, gently pulling her into a strong embrace. A warm male voice whispered in her ear, "I thought you might be down here again, love." Alanna turned slightly, laying her head upon his shoulder, but her thoughts remained uninterrupted.

A couple minutes later he asked, "Did you sleep at all, my darling?"

"No." The response was almost lost in the sound of Alanna moving closer to him to keep warm. The minutes passed in silence, and Alanna's carefully maintained control began to crumble. Tears gathered in her eyes, silently coursing down her face, dripping onto his shirt.

And finally, the sobs broke through, as he gently began to rock her, back and forth, back and forth. An anguished murmur passed her lips to land in the stagnant air, but he didn't hear what was said. The king gazed down at his wife, both bemused and empathetic. He was about to ask her to repeat herself when she did: louder, and in a deceptively calm and steady voice.

"I failed them."

He pulled away from her to look into her amethyst eyes, brimming with unshed tears. He tenderly tucked her hair behind her ears. "Who? Who did you fail?"

"I promised my mother and Thom that I would always protect him – most especially from himself. I failed. I wasn't here when he needed me, and he died because of it. It's my fault, it's all my fault!" The great wracking cries tore through her again, and Jonathan pulled her back into his loving embrace, letting her release her pain.

He whispered to her again, as she fell asleep… "You didn't fail them. You never will." He gently picked her up and carried her to their rooms, as he tucked the covers around her, he again whispered "I love you so much, my darling Alanna. No matter what you have done."

* * *

_The aged queen woke up, tears shining in her vibrantly purple eyes. It seemed she heard an echo of a half-forgotten time: "I love you so much, my darling Alanna…"_

_And the memories started again…_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: Just a bit of explanation of what's going on in this chapter: Alanna is the old queen (she'd be about 60 now), the italicized story is what is happening to the old Alanna. Also, I realize that her memories skip from being miles away from Jon to with him, but I know that my memories don't always come back in chronological order. This was supposed to be six months after the coronation day fight, and Alanna and Jon married a month or two later. So, I hope this irons out any confusion, but leave me a review anyway. Please?**


	4. Chapter 4

**This was just a short vignette that came into my mind this past week. And for once, it's not a really angsty, depressing chapter. I told you there would be some happier chappies! Thanks and much love to tortallanrider for beta-ing this for me. (hint hint, go check out her stuff...)  
**

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize obviously doesn't belong to me. Period, end of story.**

A/N: This was supposed to go at the end of the chapter, but the document reader is being obnoxious again...(grrrrrr). For those of you who have looked at Forever and For Always lately, you'll have noticed there's a chapter missing. Yes, I know. I was trying to edit chapter 13 (condensed version of chapters 13 and 14), and for whatever reason, it didn't work. Anyway, please leave any thoughts at all that you might have about THIS chapter...it'll make me very happy.

* * *

_O!_

_Remember when it rained_

_I felt the ground and called your name._

_O!_

_Remember when it rained_

_In the darkness I remained._

* * *

Chapter 4

_The old queen smiled gently as the memory started, like a long-forgotten play…_

* * *

"Liam, I've got to go tonight. The blizzard will just start again whenever I go out there, so there's no point in waiting longer!" _Besides,_ Alanna thought,_ Jonathan needs me home as soon as possible. Mithros forbid what I dreamed was true._

"Fine, you'll do what you want – but honestly, why go out there when other people are will to go with you?"

"I won't risk anyone else's life. This is _my_ task. Somehow, I have the feeling that I'm the one who has to do this, and I don't want anyone else getting hurt. So thanks, but in this case, I work alone."

"If I let you go out there alone, I'll have the bloody Crown Prince of Tortall all over my back if you get hurt."

"And if you don't stay here, what happens to Thayet and Buri?"

"They'll have Coram –"

"He's a little drunk at the moment, Dragon. Fine protection that would be."

"Why do you always have to be so stubborn? Look, if you get hurt out there, no one will be able to protect you. Coram will be put on Traitor's Hill for letting the Prince's best friend get –"

"Betrothed, actually. And nothing will happen to Coram, because _you_ would be able to tell the King and everyone else that this – 'hair-brained scheme,' I believe you called it? – was all my idea, and there was no way for Coram to stop me."

The Dragon's eyes changed slowly from the fiery gold of his fury to the grey-blue of confusion. "Did you say betrothed?"

"Yes, Jon and I got engaged well before I left. He promised me a year to 'get the itch of adventure' out of my feet before I settle some and stay _well_ within Tortall's borders."

"I've never seen you wearing Tortall's betrothal ring…"

"Yes, well, I wasn't exactly planning on bringing every hopeful thief out in every city I travel to with the promise of such an expensive ring, thanks." Alanna smirked wryly. "Liam, just let me take care of myself. I'm a big girl, I'll manage."

Alanna walked away before Liam could come up with another argument.

* * *

Alanna was shivering slightly in the frigid air, even through her seven layers of warm clothes. She felt bad for leaving Coram and Liam, especially, the way she had, but she had needed to ensure that neither would follow her. She had let Coram get completely plastered, but added a small sleep spell just before she left, just to make dead sure. Alanna was reminded forcibly of leaving Trebond when she was ten….Great Goddess, Coram had been upset when he figured out she purposefully got him drunk. She didn't even want to _think_ about how he would react to being helped to get drunk, and having a sleep spell on top of _that_.

Liam, she had almost failed with. She had had to place a small, fairly weak spell on his mattress to make sure he would fall asleep before daybreak so she could slip out. Just before leaving, she had added a stronger spell to keep him asleep. She knew Liam hated magic of any and all kinds. She sighed mentally. _I'll just have to deal with the consequences when I get back_.

She pulled her fur coat tighter about herself before continuing on.

* * *

The fight had been long – almost to the point where Alanna would have been fighting from a sitting position on the floor of the cave – but Chitral had finally given in, and handed over the Dominion Jewel. Alanna tucked the small, multi-faceted jewel into the palm of her glove before gathering her strength to make the journey back.

She took a small step, and stumbled, completely exhausted. She heard a sharp crack from her ankle as she fell to the floor, and felt the Jewel cut into the palm of her hand when she tried to catch herself. Just before here vision faded to black, she looked at the cloudless sky, with the rich pink and gold colors of the sunrise, and whispered, "Jonathan – I did it."

* * *

Jonathan sat watching his betrothed in the "watch globe" Thom had showed him how to make. It was dusk, and he had taken a small break just before the candles were lit to check on his love. He smiled at the globe as he heard her last statement before she collapsed. "I know, my love," he whispered, as he turned back to ruling his country. "I know."


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow.....it's been a long time since I updated this. The muse floated off somewhere and only just recently returned. I'm working on the next couple chapters, so there shouldn't be as much delay. Thanks, as always, to my beta Sardonic Kender Smile. She puts up with the bad first draft so you don't have to.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own it -- except the plot.**

**  
Please enjoy!**

**  
**_

* * *

_

_Tears of hope run down my skin – _

_Tears for you that will not die._

_They magnify the one within,_

_Let the outside slowly die.

* * *

_

Chapter 5

_The pneumonia had worsened, leaving an exhausted Alanna on her death bed. As her mortal shell weakened, her eyes closed, and she passed into the almost-forgotten place between life and death. Alanna was too tired to be frightened of the all-encompassing black as she had been as a girl._

_Her mind drifted back to her Ordeal of Knighthood, as she realized there was a weird kind of light here after all…

* * *

_

…The faint light in the Chamber gave her hope that she would survive this. She had to. How humiliating it would be if she was the first in fifty years to die here. If she did, she would be all alone….no Gary and Raoul to make her laugh, no Jonathan to comfort her….

She wondered what would happen to Jonathan if she _did_ die here. Would Roger simply continue to gain power? She wished she'd actually gone to find evidence against Roger, as she had promised herself she would so many times before. _When I get out of here, it'll be the first thing I do._

As if taking its cue from her thoughts, the Chamber showed her a scene of a Midwinter ball, with all the nobles in their full regalia, showing what positions they held at court. She spotted Raoul wearing the badge of the Knight Commander of the King's Own, and Gary wearing the medal declaring that he was the King's Champion. On the other end of the ballroom, Jonathan sat upon the throne with Delia of Eldorne beside him, dressed as his Queen. Roger, wearing the insignias of the Duke of Conté and of the Prime Minister, approached his monarchs, asking the Queen to dance with him.

_She accepted far too readily_, Alanna thought critically.

She watched as Delia danced scandalously closely with the Conté Duke, and almost missed Jonathan's whisper.

"I wish you hadn't died, Alanna. You should be sitting beside me, my love, not her."

Alanna heard a rustling from the cloth-of-silver curtains behind Jonathan. Something was behind there…was it just a servant? Alanna remembered balls during which servants had gotten caught in the curtains while trying to serve the monarchs...

Suddenly Alanna's world went into high relief. A foot showed beneath the drape behind the thrones, a nearly invisible sword glinted between the flaps of material. A man waited there, probably watching the dance floor for a signal.

Alanna suddenly understood – Roger and Delia were going to commit regicide. They had waited until Gary was socializing on the far end of the room, too far away to help his King. Raoul had moved from where she had originally seen him, and was even farther from his monarch – apparently, he was talking swords with Alex of Tirragen.

_Jonathan, stop day-dreaming about me! There's a swordsman behind you!_ Alanna ran towards her lover, knowing that this was a vision, and there was nothing she could do to change it.

It was too late. _She_ was too late. Just as she reached the dais, Delia tossed her hand out as Roger spun her in a turn. Seeing his cue, the waiting swordsman stepped from behind the heavy cloth. Time slowed, as the man (dressed in Eldorne colors, Alanna noted detachedly) pulled Jonathan back against the throne, his blade flashing as it sliced through the King's throat.

_NOOO! _her mind screamed. _It won't happen; it can't. I won't let it!_

In her anger, she tore at the image, feeling it shred like tightly woven silk underneath her hands.

The Chamber door opened. A grimly determined, but exhausted Alanna fell into her Prince's arms.

"I won't let it happen, Jon."

"I know. It's all over."

_It's not over yet,_ Alanna thought_, but it will be tonight. I'll make sure of that. Tonight the Conté Duke meets his end.

* * *

_**A/N: Please take the time to review; it makes me feel ever so much better.  
**


End file.
